I have been desperate to have sex for a while actually – but it has been so damn hard to find ANYONE in London to sleep with, despite it being one of the most densely populated cities in the world. To be fair, I do restrict potential sexual encounters to people in my postcode so that could be it. But a few other things contributed: tiredness, being busy (I got shit to do and people to see!) and also just getting too stoned to do anything.

So when the Instagram guy messaged me last week asking when I was free, I was keen. We initially talked about meeting on Monday, but after radio silence all day, he asked if I was free tonight instead. I was annoyed because, even though I wasn’t sitting around waiting for him, it was still a little ego-crushing to know he didn’t want to sleep with me that badly to come over last night.

Tonight he mentioned that he had sex “like 5 times yesterday” and that’s the reason I feel so weird now. The comment was in context though; we couldn’t go for round 3 because he had a torn penis as a result (ouch). I guess I’m just annoyed that I got sacked off yesterday for some other girl, even though I don’t actually care about this man. Yet here I am, feeling a little insecure and also not satisfied with the sex. I wish I hadn’t broken my one-time-bang-only rule.

Anyway, we discussed the concept of friends-with-benefits as pillow talk (sexy, I know) and although he wasn’t exactly insightful, I definitely got some insights…

Tinder is apparently still a thing

When I asked him how he was finding these girls, he said he was using mostly Tinder. Wow. I didn’t know there was still anyone normal on there – maybe I will dip my toes back into it if I can be bothered to get repetitive strain injury swiping left on 99% of the men on there.

Dealing with emotions vs. no sex

He described his FwBs as people he dated (as in museums and shit) and asked over for hangover-pity-cuddles* even though none of this was meant to be romantic. I was shocked by this because emotions inevitably get involved when you fuck with those kinds of arrangements, which is why I try to have “rules” for self-preservation. I probed him on this and he acknowledged that emotions get involved eventually, but that’s why those arrangements only lasted for a few months at a time. However, he thought it was worth it for the regular sex. This has really made me think because he’s right – regular sex is preferable.

Men might be mindfucking us

According to this guy’s theory, men who come on too strong are doing it too trick women into breaking up with them because these men don’t want relationships. He has no evidence for this whatsoever, but it could explain why some men are weird and come on waaay to strong at the start, make you think they’re into you, and then they ghost you. But more likely, men are just trash.

DON’T TRUST MEN WHO WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU WITHOUT A CONDOM

Okayyy, I know I have a problem with having unprotected sex and I really need to stop. But I disclosed to him the number of people I slept with in the interim and also told him about my condom mishap with another guy – the condom literally tore during sex. He said that he was “willing to take the risk”. WARNING SIGN. Especially because it later transpired that the STI check he went to get earlier today was actually his first ever. THIS IS A FUCKING 23 YEAR OLD MAN – HOW?! I had a go at him for saying “clean” was the same thing as “symptom-less”. What a fucking idiot. I know I should have insisted on using condoms, but I’m still so taken aback by this lack of concern for sexual health!** Really hope I’ve not got an STI.

In conclusion, don’t think I’ll be seeing this boy again. Or having sex for a while. And I’m okay with that because I’ve changed my bedsheets and I don’t want anyone else in them now.

* Maybe that’s what I really want in life instead of a relationship – just someone to hold me when I’m having a come down.

** Coming from the girl that STILL hasn’t booked her smear test. I should probs get on that soon…