I had a boy around last night, he was in my room and I was on top of him before either of us had fully undressed. At this point, I changed my mind, he reacted very badly and it did not go well. I’m still a little emotionally shaken. He wasn’t physically violent, but he was extremely rude and aggressive.

The warning signs

Perhaps it was my stupid fault for listening to my vagina instead of my brain, but there were a few signs I ignored. He video called me when we matched, which I’d never done before. When we were on the call, I did think he was being a unusual. In my head I rationalised it as “ah! he must be normal because he was concerned if I was a real person or not, like any other reasonable person would be.” He also suggested meeting for a drink first to screen me properly but I told him I was in my PJs and couldn’t be bothered. I took these things to mean he was normal enough to have over.

I did ask him my screening question of “what would you do if you came over and I changed my mind?” He joked that he would tie himself to my bed and never leave. Uh oh. In retrospect that was weird. He gave me a sincere answer after but I don’t remember what it was, and I deleted his chat in a panic this morning before I screenshotted it. *insert face palm emoji here*

I think he was a little racist

When he got here, he immediately cracked a joke where the punch line was the n-word (not with a hard R, but still unacceptable). I had a go at him about that, which obviously made him tell me he’s the least racist person ever. He also used the word “retard“, which I had to tell him off for as well.

I knew he was raised in a European country, so part of me was using that to excuse his behaviour. Other parts of the continent aren’t as diverse as London, and I’m often told I’m “exotic” or asked “where are you REALLY from” or “where are your parents from?” when I’m in European countries so I just put his problematic shit down to ignorance rather than malice. But maybe that makes me complicit in racism or at the very least, xenophobic for making assumptions about people from other countries? I’ll be spending the next few days unpacking my own shit.

Advice corner

He was just so intense and full-on and was mansplaining how to smoke a joint. Oh yeah – I made the mistake of smoking his weed, in a joint that he rolled. Ladies, top tip – DON’T DO A STRANGER’S DRUGS. That shit really fucked me up.

Telling him I changed my mind

Here’s what happened: I’m on top of him making out without my top on, he’s still wearing his T-shirt. When I asked him to take it off, he goes, “I dunno…I’m still a little cold”. So I carry on kissing him and he takes off his shirt saying, “okay I think I’m warmer now”. Then I just stop kissing him, I’m still on top of him and say, “I’m sorry, I’ve changed my mind.”

It was a mixture of things. I didn’t like that line about getting warmer. I was SO STONED and suddenly all the doubts I had about him made me freak out about having his P in my V. It’s very unfortunate that I told him I changed my mind soon after he had just taken his top off because I think he though I was put off by his body. He angrily turn the light on, put his hoodie back on and said, “I’m not ashamed of my body.” I told him it wasn’t about that. It went downhill from there.

He reacted VERY VERY badly

At one point, he said, “you asked me how tall I was and I told you. It’s like me asking you about your weight.” I told him I never asked him how tall he was – he was the one that bought it up when we were messaging. Perhaps toxic male beauty standards made him think telling me his height would make him more sexually appealing to me? I suspected the comment about weight was an attempt to make me feel bad about myself, because he thought I was rejecting his body and he wanted a way of getting back at me. Not the first time that has happened though.

It only got weirder after that

1. He grabbed my tweezers off my dresser, went to my mirror and pulled out a stray eyebrow hair from his face! FOR REAL. I think it was a weird power play…
2. He made fun of my music choice. It was Redbone – that song has got me laid so many times, no one has ever hated my sex playlist before!!
3. He angrily asked for his half-smoked joint back even though he had initially told my housemate he was leaving it for her. I mean he can have his drugs, it was just a bit pathetic how he got so angry and was growling at me for his things back. He also stole my lighter!
4. He got angry at ME because he couldn’t get my door open. How is it my fault that you don’t know door latches can turn left AND right?! 
5. He called me a “pussy” as he was leaving. What even?

Lessons

I’m rather scarred from this experience and put-off casual sex. That being said, my housemate pointed out that I’ve been lucky this hasn’t happened much more – he was stranger number 8 from this hook-up app, and I had slept with the other 7, so it was going well until that point.

I really should have trusted my instincts. I wasn’t liking his vibes from our quick video chat, but I wanted to have sex with someone and he was there.

Also, MEN ARE TRASH. If I were in his shoes, I would also be pissed to have come all that way for sex, only to be rejected as soon as I showed more skin. And yeah, I would have felt angry or annoyed – in fact that happened to me on Monday night. But I would not have got rude or insulted the guy! And I doubt the hypothetical man that rejected me wouldn’t have been as scared as I was last night when this guy was taking my tweezers (still can’t believe that happened) and being horrible to me.

I like to think I’m this super empowered, sex-positive woman with this infallible system for hooking-up. I’ve been in similar situations before, where I’ve told men I didn’t want to have sex once I was on top of them, but none of them reacted like this to me. They just said “okay” and left.

I guess the awkwardness last night was better than going through with something I didn’t want to. I worry about any women out there who might not be in a position to express themselves in the way that I did. I wish more men knew about the cup of tea analogy about consent.

I’m going to take a bit of a break from sleeping around, I think.