It hurts so bad

Why the fuck is it such a goddamn faff to get UTIs treated?! You know what I’m talking about, ladies – that feeling like someone is taking a blowtorch to your poor urethra as if the universe is punishing you for having sex but being too tired to go to the loo afterwards. Or even when you do meticulously hydrate yourself and force yourself out of bed to pee, when all you want to do is cuddle, you STILL get a fucking UTI.

I was doing so well avoiding the dreaded pee-burn until today. But then I did a Christmas-themed sex thing with a boy that lasted all night. Sequinned Santa hats were involved, and I’m not going to lie, I was into it. Think about it – Father Christmas (a.k.a. daddy) is the ultimate dom; older figure, he’s actually magic so there’s definitely a power imbalance, he decides if you’re “naughty or nice”, he knows exactly what you want for Christmas…

Santa fantasies aside, despite peeing as much as I could, I now feel like I’ve been given a lump of coal. That’s been set on fire. In my urethra.

The faff of getting treated

Obviously my underfunded NHS GP is not open on Sundays so I had to wait 8 hours to get antibiotics even though I was 100% sure what it was. The clinic visit was efficient though because I knew the drill. I got there early, told reception I had a UTI and needed to pee in a pot. They had a stack of pee pots ready. The lovely doctor did one of those quick tests where you dunk something into the pee that makes it change colour, and then she came back with antibiotics. But if these antibiotics don’t work, because the germ-y cunts in my bladder are resistant, I have to go through all of that again to get stronger antibiotics!

Is there a cure?

There must be a better way. Why can’t the pee test happen at a pharmacy? Why isn’t there a vaccine for this shit yet? Is there a wider patriarchal conspiracy where women’s health issues are ignored so no one is motivated to investigate this shit? Men are less likely to be affected by UTIs, but I get the feeling that if men were at risk of a burning sensation if they didn’t pee after sex, we’d have a more effective and convenient treatment method.

Some brief Googling reveals it’s a bit more complicated than that. But I don’t write this post to offer any grand solutions. I’m just in pain and I want to complain on the internet about it. And maybe remind you of some generic advice.

How not to get a UTI

1. Stay hydrated before you have sex – harder to remember if you’ve been out drinking, or you’re caught up in the heat of the moment, but it’ll make peeing much easier later on. My housemate likes to joke how I bring out the “sex jug” when I’m getting down for a sesh with one of my booty calls, but it does help!
2. Pee after ANY sexual activity involving your vulva. It’s not just vaginal penetration that can shove bacteria into your urethra.
3. Watch out for butt stuff, it increases the likelihood of UTIs. Make sure you wash toys that have been in an anus, or use new condoms etc. (Never double dip, basically!)
4. Could be your lube. Switch to a new one if it irritates your urethra.

And when you’ve got one…

1. Drinks loads of water even though it’ll make you pee loads and peeing will hurt. Fuck cranberry juice. My research shows it isn’t effective, but if the placebo effect works for you, do what makes you feel better!
2. Get to your GP and if you can’t, call 111 and they’ll find you somewhere you can go. Don’t sit on it!! I was once in hospital for 3 days when I was younger because I ignored my UTI and it led to a horrible kidney infection.
3. Paracetamol only, none of the other painkillers. But take the maximum dose as often as you can because fuck being in pain. 
4. Call in sick, get into bed and watch movies all day because you deserve it.