I’m not a home-wrecker though, they are actually in an open relationship – or at least, it’s something they’ve recently started trying. And this definitely isn’t a situation where the man tells me he’s in an open relationship, when he’s really just cheating because, although he was a Tinder match, we had mutual friends so I did a bit of investigating to verify this information.

But isn’t it interesting I couldn’t take him at face value? I guess society as a whole, and me specifically, still has hang ups about the idea of an open relationship.

Actually, maybe men in relationships are just better???

Clearly this is a bold statement to make based on an incredibly small sample size. And it’s wrong.

Let me walk you through my thinking: initially, I felt that having a girlfriend has done this boy some good because he was suuuuuper woke for a white guy. I made the assumption that having a girlfriend forced this boy to be more aware of intersectional feminist issues, because why else would men bother to understand these things unless sex with a human woman was at stake? In the past, I’ve also heard my own female friends complaining about ex-boyfriends, not because they were shitheads, but because these friends had invested time in making their ex’s “better people”, that it’s annoying for them to think of some other girl coming along and reaping the benefits of their hard work.

But this is problematic. Men totally have agency and can Google and read and educate themselves, and many obviously choose to do so of their own accord. If we don’t believe that men can change and develop their attitudes about feminist issues independently, then there really is no point in the movement. So my initial assessment was clearly wrong and I should not start looking specifically to date men in open relationships!

I’m guessing he’s been with his girlfriend for a while

To be completely honest, I don’t really know much about their relationship, but I’m guessing they must have been together for a long time now to make the decision to open their relationship. I’m basing this on my own assumption that a relationship is only worth opening up if you’ve actually spent time establishing a long-term emotional connection.

When you’ve just started dating someone and you’re getting to know them, unless you’ve had a very explicit conversation to be exclusive, you usually are dating other people (or at least, you should always make the assumption the person you’re seeing is until you talk about it). But then there’s no need really to call that an “open relationship” when you don’t really have a relationship, right? Or maybe I’m wrong!

I was the first person he slept with since they made it open

After we got down to it, I just had to ask him about his arrangement. I was curious – I don’t know many people my age who does this kind of thing, so I wanted his take. He was really mature about it and spoke openly, which I found reassuring. He told his girlfriend that he was going for a drink with me. I asked him if they had established any rules for their arrangement, and they hadn’t; it was more about playing it by ear for them. I found that interesting because I personally wouldn’t be able to do it that way. My schedule is often so busy I would insist on a “no dates on this day” rule to make sure I got to see my hypothetical bae at least once a week. And a “no sleeping over rule” because that’s personally a big marker of intimacy for me – I’ve kicked out many nice boys from my room in the past because the thought of letting a stranger stay in my house freaks me out. But banging them is fine, obviously.

I believe he really does love his girlfriend

We both also talked about what open relationships meant in general and agreed it was stupid to expect one person to fulfil all your needs. It’s too much pressure for one person. I also checked if it was a kink thing for them – it sometimes turns people on to think of them with other people, but it didn’t seem like that for them. But I don’t really know anything about their relationship so perhaps I should stop speculating.

The only thing I’m pretty sure about is that he does love his girlfriend. They live together and must have plenty of shared experiences – if it wasn’t working for them anymore, they could just break up. None of this seemed like a last ditch attempt to save their relationship at all. Just because he slept with me, I don’t think that impacts the way they feel about each other all.

I’m not really sure where this will go but let’s see how it plays out

I wasn’t expecting to get on with this guy as much as I did, and he had great vibes, so I think we’re going to meet up again. In way, sleeping with a guy in an open relationship is nice because there’s absolutely no confusion about where we stand. None of the stupid “ooohh does he like me?” BS that can get in the way of you enjoying yourself. Communication is easier when there’s no possibility of getting in a relationship but you’re both still attracted to each other.

I highly doubt it’s going to last long; he’s moving away soon. None of this matters though, I’ve decided to try this new thing where I just enjoy things while they last.