CN: Racism

Last night at around 12.30am, a Tinder match I had been trying to go on a date with for ages came over. I should have listened to my body (which just wanted to go to bed) but I think I need to re-evaluate my current relationship with sex because the need for that trumped my own desire for sleep. Anyway it ended with him saying a creepy racist thing and me crying down the phone to my friend at 2am.

There were many warning signs actually:

1. He kept talking over me CONSTANTLY.

He even asked me the same question three times at one point, despite me answering it each time. He just didn’t listen to a word I said. He told me he thought I was introverted because I didn’t speak much. Truth be told; he was like a puppy on speed and I couldn’t be bothered to expend the effort.

At one point, he thought he was trying to break down barriers and get me to open up by saying, “what do you want to talk about?” As soon as I opened my mouth, he spoke over me AGAIN. He started asking about my job, but just kept interrupting me with stupid questions that would have been answered had he just shut the fuck up and let me finish my story.

2. He kept ending every sentence with “I’m kidding”.

This man did not have any conviction in a thing he was saying, which annoyed me even more, because why even talk so much?! He kept adding statements like “that’s just who I am” or “I just don’t give a fuck what other people think.” You clearly fucking do.

In fact he was really reluctant to tell me what his job was because he was worried I would find it intimidating or too impressive. He was literally just a fashion designer. I didn’t bother asking more because I didn’t give a shit after that point.

3. He ignored clear verbal clues.

I told him very clearly during the first lull in our conversation, “I’m not sure what I want to do.”
He just jumped on me and started kissing me pulling my head into his.
I went with it because it seemed like more effort to tell him to go away.

I then told him, “I’m not sure if I want to sleep with you.”
He then starts shoving his fingers into my vagina.
I went with it because I thought I could just ignore his irritating personality and just fuck him, since it had already started happening.

4. And he was SHIT with consent.

He just went right in and choked me while we were making out. I’m usually super into that but if you don’t talk about it first, then it’s literally just a stranger in your house trying to strangle you. I told him he really should ask for permission before he did that. He then says “can I choke you?” I said, “yes” and then he just grabs my neck again. I think he though he was being all 50-shades-of-sexiness on me but it was just stupid.

AND he kept using his saliva as a lubricant. Personally I fucking hate people’s spit all over my body, and it was especially gross when it was hanging off his chin at one point. My gag reflex is actually getting triggered just writing about this. I asked him REPEATEDLY to stop it. He kept doing it and it wasn’t until I threatened to kick him out did he stop. He then gave me a spiel about how he’s “sorry” and he’s “just learning like everyone” and I should “give him a chance”. I gave you like a million fucking chances. Fucking hell, the entitlement of white boys.

He just didn’t pay attention to my body at all. At one point he told me to take my bra off, so I started to sit up and pull it up over my head because the clasp was difficult to undo, but he just throws me back on the bed while I’m mid-bra-removal and tries to take my knickers off. It just felt like he did not give a shit about my body at all and I was just a living fucking sex-doll to him.

He just seemed like a stupid inexperienced manchild who had watched too much porn and was trying to play make-belief that he was some dominating sex god.

5. Then he just HAD to point out I wasn’t white.

I eventually got the courage to tell him to leave. Neither of us had cum at this point, even though he went down on me for ages. But fun fact: nuzzling a woman’s vulva with your face does not cause orgasms.

After he’s finally dressed, he asks to try on my glasses before he goes, I hesitate a bit and then hand them over. He makes a comment about how blind I am. Great chat right there.

He also made out that I was being mean or rude to him because I wasn’t interested in asking him any questions but he wanted to know everything about me. (Yeah it’s because you’re fucking boring mate and I actually want you to get out of my bed now.)

I asked him what he thought this was – he literally came to stranger’s house after midnight on a Thursday. But now I’m worried I’ve hurt his feelings, so I’m trying to flatter him by saying he has a great penis (meh, it was as okay for a penis tbh) and that he was hot (until he spoke and ruined it all, of course).

And then he just couldn’t keep his mouth shut and says with absolute sincerity:
“You know what, this is pretty cool, I’ve only ever slept with white girls before.”

I say fairly calmly, “wow, please leave my house now.”
He panics.
“Oh come on, I was just joking!”
“Yeah cool, well I’m glad I helped you meet your ethnic minority quota”
“I was just joking, it was just a joke!”
I could have sworn he also said something about “black girls” but, at this point, I had just tuned him out and needed him to get the fuck away from me. The prick also left his ring, so I had to call after him after he left my flat to give it back. That was pretty awkward.

Other warning signs:

6. He kept referring to women as “birds”.

7. He was from the south-west. The only time I’ve had racist incidents with men I’m dating/fucking has been when I lived in the south west. London boys know better than to mention your race on a first date. Am I generalising? Yes. Could I be wrong? Absolutely. But let’s face it, the south-west isn’t exactly diverse. At best you have complete ignorance and at worst you have racism, which I experienced a lot of while I was out there. You’ll have to forgive my complete lack of empathy for that region of the country.

8. He had a signet ring.

Conclusion: white men can swan through life without ever needing to reexamine their shitty behaviour.

I’ve obviously not had an apology text today. I’m just going to turn into one of his stories about why Tinder is trash. I know this because earlier I had asked him out of curiosity, what his bad dating experiences were. He told me about a date he went on, where he had to make all the conversation and ask all the questions because his date wasn’t asking any back. Having met this prick, I now realise that this poor woman probably sensed the same arrogance and lack of self-awareness in this boy that I did. She probably tried to talk but he wouldn’t let her get a word in edgeways. And now I’m going to be one of those stories he tells his friends in the future about this uptight and pretentious girl he met on Tinder who was too sensitive and couldn’t take a joke.

Also looking back, I think I just got worn down into having sex with him. And part of me hates myself for not being more feminist and strong and standing up for myself. Thankfully my friends have reminded me that it’s not my fault and he was just a vile human, so I think I’ll have to stop beating myself up about this.

I can’t decide if I should bother calling him out on his shit or not. I don’t think it will work and it might make me feel worse. I just washed my bedsheets and stood under the shower for half-an-hour after he left…and now I feel somewhat better.