I’ve not had sex in a long time because I had been in the midst of a minor mental health mare which I’m slowly recovering from using drugs and therapy (more on that in a later post, I’m sure). I had been taking a dating hiatus but have been back on the apps for a month now, only to find I was disappointed by the “offerings” – not that I see men as sacrificial items for my vagina or anything. Or maybe I do?

Anyway, a man finally appears who seems to have all the same vibes as me and he accepts my invitation of a date. And wouldn’t you know it, my first time dating again and we have a fucking condom mishap which causes us to take a brief intermission from our date in order to hunt down a pharmacy at 10pm. Then after stopping for chips, we Ubered back to mine to continue where we continued where we left off.

Basically, I hate the pill

So I stopped taking my pill around the time I started taking anti-depressants a few months ago because:

1. They weren’t helping to regulate my periods like I wanted
2. I’m pretty damn sure they were causing headaches
3. I wasn’t having sex with anyone so seemed pointless
4. There is some evidence (not definitive though) linking use of hormonal contraception to depression

Although I do have insanely heavy periods without the pill (imagine that scene from the It remake), it was a choice between two heavy period days vs. the agg of hormones, so I chose the former. But of course it leaves me vulnerable to situations like this. But everyone is different so, ladies, its a matter of personal choice.

Dear men, please learn to use condoms properly

The issue was that he had a condom on, but pulled out so quickly and didn’t hold the base of the condom while he did, so it was just stuck in there and when I pulled it out, I think a fair amount of semen had already “spilled” over into places I really didn’t want it to. I made him fish it out of the bin and check there was actually semen in it. There wasn’t. What a mood killer.

MEN. Please be careful with these things. Use your common sense and really think about the way a condom is meant to operate. For example, don’t do what my date did. Check which way round the condom is properly before you put it so you don’t have to turn it around once the outside has already accidentally touched your potentially diseased or pre-cummed penis, otherwise that shit won’t work.

It was nice of him to pay for an Uber and some chips

I knew I couldn’t wait until tomorrow for the morning after pill because I was catching a train out of London super early the next morning. He suggested we just leaved soon and helped with the Googling of pharmacies (although he wasn’t very good at using Google so I actually did most of the work).

The first pharmacy attempt was a failure, so we had to Uber to one further out, which he insisted on paying for. And I was also craving food because I hadn’t eaten much before the date (he wanted to meet at 6pm which cuts into dinner time!) We went to the nearest kebab shop, which was actually the most disgusting place I’d ever seen, but he insisted on paying for chips as well, despite my protests. What a babe!

I kept saying how weird it was that this is how my first date in 5 months has turned out. He seemed chilled about it. Apparently he had come out of a long term relationship 6 months ago and I’m the first date and shag he’s had since. That might also explain why he was shit at using condoms.

The sex

Not the best sex I’ve had but I think there’s room for improvement. I was honest with him about what I wanted and directed him where necessary. He took it well. I kept asking him what he was into, what he liked having done to him, what he liked doing to others, but he said he hadn’t really thought about it before. It was quite sweet actually, because he thanked me for asking him – which makes me wonder what his previous relationship was like that he’s grateful someone asked him what he likes in bed.

After a couple of hours with him, I think I managed to find a few specific things that turned him on, but only by checking in and asking him if he was enjoying himself or if he liked whatever we were doing. Yo hetro men – take notice, maybe do this shit when you fuck women.

Would bang again

He was nice and we had a lot in common. In the past I would have quoted my three rules to him and made him leave. 1) No last names. 2) Don’t stay over. 3) One-time bang only. But we broke rule 1 at the pub already. He didn’t seem like a freak so if I didn’t have an early train, I would have been okay with him staying. I told him to get in touch if he wanted to see me again. He seemed keen.

I’ve been trying this new thing, with the help of therapy, where I don’t fuck people I hate just because I’ve gone to the effort of looking good, and I don’t try and protect myself too much if I meet someone nice. We’ll see how that goes.