Like most singletons during this global pandemic, I’m horny as FUCK. Also scared. Really scared, actually. Eternally anxious too. A bit bored as well. Partly due to that last one, I’ve been driven to excessive Hinging during these unprecedented times. As a result, I’ve noticed some common mistakes in men’s dating app profiles, so I’m going to give you all some tips to improve your dating app game.

JK. I’m just going to moan about dumb men on Hinge.

Stop using memes (or other non-faces) as your photos

These apps expect you to have photos because that’s what people use to decide if they fancy you. I don’t care if people think that’s shallow, but every human is built to judge a book by its cover. I’m not saying it’s right, however it’s not entirely wrong either. Attraction is not just about someone’s face – I’m not saying look like Lakeith Sanfield or GTFO, before people get angry at me – it’s about their “vibe”. What they choose to wear, how they do their hair, how they carry themselves, how much they smile, the kinds of things they like to do, the way others respond to them.

Photos can tell you so much about a person beyond just their faces. Are they outdoorsy? Do they like to rave? Are all of their friends basic white boys who probably voted Tory? Everyone is allowed to be who they are and like what they like, I just don’t need to date them. I make quick judgements about someone based on their profile to gauge if they’re worth my effort or not, and that includes their photos.

If you’re only allowed to represent the multiple facets of your personality using 6 photos, why would you waste one of them on a stupid fucking meme?! You deliberately chose to use that photo as well, which means you genuinely believe that meme is an important part of your personality. That doesn’t say much about the rest of your personality. I’m sure people will respond with “well it’s just a joke, relax,” to which I would say “99% of the time the meme isn’t even that dank fam.”

Stop using selfies – find some friends to take photos of you

Selfies are generally fine. Sometimes you are just feeling yourself because you are a sexy queen and the lighting just happens to be perfect. Babe take that selfie, you go girl. Send it to your group chats. Put it on Insta. You are a pengting and don’t ever forget it.

BUT you don’t need more than one, maybe two selfies on a profile. And defo don’t do one from inside your car. It’s generic and boring. And I’m sure your #ootd is great, but I don’t need to see one for every day of the week. Boys, just ease up on the selfies please. Call a friend and tell them you need one individual shot of you for your dating app, I’m sure they’d be happy to help a brother out, you know?

Perhaps I’m being a judgemental cunt here and there’s nothing wrong with filling your profile exclusively with selfies? I did a straw poll of my straight female friends on dating apps; the general consensus was that it’s a massive turn off, especially the same pose and the same angle appearing multiple times.

I’m sure there are women out there who match with those guys on Hinge or Bumble or Tinder, and maybe they’re less judgemental then me and my friends, or maybe they also take lots of selfies too? Honestly, I can’t fault you for that and at least there really is someone out there for everyone.

Stop giving me two truths and lie

I don’t know you or anything about you so I cannot accurately make a judgement on which statement is the lie. This question is humorous and effective only if all three statements are equally outlandish. Most of the time it’s just some boring statement about living abroad once, meeting a celebrity or some other dull event, and any of them could be true. You might think you’re portraying yourself as interesting, but really you’re just bragging about stuff you’ve done, and then making a weird flex about something you’ve never done.

This will not start any interesting conversations. If this is really how you met your current bae, then send me the receipts because I will actually whack myself repeatedly in the face with an extra large dildo if I’m proved wrong.

My hobbies are [insert generic-thing-that-every-fucking-person-in-the-world-likes here]

Generic hobbies and/or interests are usually prefaced with “I won’t shut up about…” or “I geek out on…” They usually include such unique loves like music, films, TV, sports, travelling, the gym, seeing friends, food.

Public service announcement: EVERYONE LIKES THESE THINGS. Please don’t bother putting any of interests on your profiles. If this is you, you have two options, 1) be really specific, or 2) click here for a random hobby generator. And don’t be telling me that you genuinely actually like “all kinds of music” because this is categorically not true.

I’ll fall for you if…

“You trip me” or “you push me”. Oh god please make it stop.

See also: “I’m overly competitive about…everything!”

White boys love Peep Show

SERIOUSLY. Once it’s pointed out to you, you can’t unsee it. Peep Show is sometimes replaced with The Office, Louis Theroux and occasionally Black Books if the guy likes to think of himself as an intellectual. They’re great shows/documentarians, but liking TV shows is not a personality, gents.

Maybe you’re reading all of this and you can’t relate at all. In that case, good for you – you clearly haven’t reached the same level of lockdown boredom from dating apps that I have, and I hope you never do!

If you are bored though, delete Hinge and try the random hobby generator instead.

BGD x