In case you didn’t know, I recently wrote my first blog post in 2 years, declaring “I’ve given up on sex and romance and gone to Colombia” and then the universe delivered a man to me that very same day.

Perhaps I manifested it; earlier in the day I saw this ADORABLE lesbian couple in my hostel and said out loud, “I wish I could have a holiday romance.” But I meant a sexy gay one, not a man.

At first I wanted him to leave me alone

He was the third fucking man who came up to me and my friends on the beach that evening to sell stuff. I know they’re trying to make a living, but I just wanted to watch the pretty sky in peace.

He tried to give us a ‘free sample’ of an alcoholic drink he made in exchange for an online review of his business. I politely declined, but I should have yelled, “NO I DON’T WANT A HOMEMADE DRINK FROM A RANDOM MAN ON THE BEACH GO AWAY” because he did not get the hint.

My friends thought this guy was sketch too so they waited with me on the beach so I wasn’t alone with him, until another friend of mine showed up.

And then he followed me for the night

When my other friend arrived, the two of us decided to go for a drink…and the beach dude just came along with us.

I thought it was weird, but he didn’t seem too dangerous and I was with a male friend I trusted, so rightly or wrongly I assumed I would be ‘safe’ if things did go south.

While my friend was in the loo, beach dude told me it was a shame I was leaving tomorrow because he could have made us a picnic on the beach. I awkwardly replied, “aww that’s so kind of you to offer.” (Later that night, he told me he loved how I said ‘aww’ because it showed I had a ‘good energy’. He also said I reminded him of his mum.)

Then my friend and I decided to go to dinner, and the beach dude came along for that too. I’m 98% sure neither of us invited him.

Was he trying to hang out with me, did he want to hang out with my friend, was he looking for dinner buddies — or was he still just trying to peddle his product to us??? (Side note: the cute lesbian couple in my hostel said they did try the drink earlier on the beach and it was nice apparently, so maybe I missed out.)

Should’ve known it was on like Donkey Kong when he asked me what my star sign was at dinner.

He also started talking about how he wanted to start a business and hire homeless people from the city to work for him because it was important they had jobs — even though self-proclaimed ‘entrepreneurs’ usually make me puke, hearing that made me kinda hot for him. (Yeahhh economic opportunities for people usually marginalised by society, so hot, I know.)

The stupid lighting in the restaurant also made him look like an unproblematic Colombian James Franco, so I caved.

I suggested we go for a walk on the beach

My friend was such a good wingman that night. He confirmed that beach dude was into me, kept him company for a bit back at my hostel while I changed, and then he left us to it. (I know you’ll be reading this, so thanks buddy, I appreciate you. 🫡 ❤️ )

I knew exactly what I meant when I said a ‘walk on the beach’, so I took some condoms with me. Safety first, folks.

Oh yeah — forgot to mention he took shrooms at dinner

He said he had a toothache, pulled out some magic mushrooms from his bag and started eating them. It was more than a microdose, but not sure how high it made him. He offered them to us but, even though I love drugs, I didn’t want to be tripping major ballsack with a random man in Colombia, just in case.

The fun bit about sex on the beach

It’s actually hella romantic as you hear waves crash on beach. There was lightning, and it was cool to have a few orgasms lying on the beach looking up at the stars.

Plus, in shared hostel dorms at 9 PM, it’s a necessity to go somewhere else if you want to be a good roommate.

The rest of it

1. The Colombian weather is humid AF and we were SO SWEATY.

2. Sand got stuck to my legs, but brushing it off HURT because my skin was already raw from itching at my mosquito bites. And I got more mosquito bites.

3. Actually, sand will go everywhere. No crevice will escape.

4. It’s not private – we had to stop TWICE to move further down the beach because people kept approaching. I know some people are into that but, personally, I want to get a little loud and *not* be at risk of getting filmed and going viral. And the constant stopping and starting killed the mood for me too.

5. It started to rain. We sought refuge inside a beach hut of some kind which turned out to have two massage tables inside…

And then I got bored but couldn’t leave

The massage tables were actually a disaster for me, because I was so over my beach adventure now, but I knew he would want to keep going now that we had found the ideal spot. (Also, I am so sorry to the hotel who owned that massage hut! I also hope you wipe those tables down properly before using them.)

I asked how he would feel about heading back after the rain, and he said to my face, “I wouldn’t like it because I went into my bag earlier and took some herbal medicine to get a boner and I’ll be hard for ages now.” Spoiler alert: it didn’t work because it wasn’t viagra, and the combination of alcohol and drugs were the bigger issue.

I started an argument with him to tell him I felt like he was pressuring me into having sex just because he decided to take these pills. And then he said “no, you can do what you want, I won’t force you, I just won’t be very happy.” BRUH.

Honestly, this guy had so many red flags

Urm… okay I still did have sex with him after all that. The horniness clouded my judgement.

There were a few other red flags that, in retrospect, I can’t believe I overlooked:

1. At dinner, he said the women in this town were uneducated and stuck up. I challenged him on that, but I don’t think he conceded.

2. He said he hadn’t had sex in 5 years, then said it was 1 year. I don’t buy it – not sure why he would keep “natural herbs” for an erection in his backpack otherwise. I’m sure I’m not the first gringa he’s tried it on with at the beach, which is fine — but why lie about it?!

3. Oh yeah — HE DROPPED SHROOMS AT DINNER BECAUSE HE HAD A TOOTHACHE. Like, what?????????

4. He tried to choke me without asking. I moved his hand away the first time but when it came back, I asked directly, “are you trying to choke me?!” He replied, “no I was trying to brush the sand off your neck.” Foolish man. Look — I am into that kinda thing, but I need a proper conversation about it beforehand. Give a girl a warning before you act like you’re going to murder her, ya know?

5. His general lack of knowledge of how consent and coercion works during sex was concerning. Maybe I wasn’t in any ‘real’ danger, but I felt uncomfortable at times. It reminded me why I don’t like to fuck with men anymore; it’s too much effort to educate them into being better sexual partners. But the hope of a steamy shag on the sand got the better of me.

6. He also told me he loved me and wanted to visit me in London, which was hilarious. But loads of my fellow female travellers also had a similar story of an intense dude they met on their adventures. It’s obviously all nonsense, but it was a novel type of ‘flirting’ to experience.

But he was 26 and I’m 31 — and for someone OBSESSED with prefrontal-cortex-discourse, I don’t usually go for anyone more than 2 years younger than me — am I the red flag?!

He kept wanting to cuddle

I’m glad his stupid boner pills didn’t work for too long. I mean, it did feel great at the time but I was tired, soggy from the rain, and ready to go back.

He kept wanting to hug me too (probably because of the drugs). I told him to put his head on my lap just to get his arms off me and I ended up stroking his hair, like a cat, to pass the time until the rain stopped. I’m sure there are situations where that shit is cute, but I found it tedious here; I didn’t sign up to soothe a guy on shrooms.

When we finally parted ways, he told me to WhatsApp him if I headed back out, which I had no intention of doing. (Mate, have you heard of a one night stand?!) I lied and told him I was going to bed.

BUT THEN he saw me leave a bar later that night and chased after me on the street to tell me he was really upset we sat in the same place all night, but he didn’t notice. (Thank fuck though — I had been loudly recounting this entire story to my fellow hostel-goers in that bar.)

I doubt I’ve broken his heart. The night after, my friends saw him on the beach with another girl, so he’s fine.

OKAY UNIVERSE thank you for this. It was great for the plot, but send me a cool, age-appropriate chica next time please. 🤞

BGD x