I’ve been using this app which I describe as Grindr for straight people – but with a few key differences that I will explain at a later date – and I invited a man around tonight for sex. And now he’s gone I need to tell someone about it, so I’m telling the internet.

So back to tonight…we chatted on this app for a bit. I told him I was keen to have sex tonight because I haven’t had sex for TWO MONTHS. I’ve gone for longer without sex but I was getting it semi-regularly up until this point so I think it was time to break the dry spell. This guy was good at holding a conversation compared to most other guys on this app. He asked some sensible questions to verify I was a real person which reassured me that he probably wasn’t a serial killer, so I gave him my address.

He Ubered over. I offered him a beer. We chatted for a bit. Turns out he actually was a normal person who had just started a new job and finished his masters degree. He wasn’t from London but was planning to stay here for a while. He mentioned having a girlfriend that had moved out of the country. I asked if this was a recent thing – I didn’t want him to start crying in bed thinking about his ex-bae! He mentioned he should probably stop talking about it, which I’m glad he realised. Top tip: maybe don’t mention the girlfriend that you recently broke up with when you’re about to have sex with someone else, it makes for a slightly weird mood. Not sure why. Maybe I was slightly jealous or worried I’d have to live up to someone else.

He asked what my name was. I urmed and ahhed for a bit and decided we shouldn’t share, I thought it would be more fun that way. It was also completely unintentional. I guess we just got so caught up in trying to sort out logistics that we forgot to ask for names. It was his first time on this app so he wasn’t sure what the name-finding-out etiquette was, so he didn’t ask either. It’s cool he went with it though.

We chatted for a bit and then during the lull in the conversation, I asked him if he wanted to stay. He made a joke about it being like a job interview. I guess it was because I didn’t want to have sex with him before checking he was normal. I took him to my room. He was a little shy and didn’t make a move. Or maybe he tried but I was oblivious because I was concentrating on a putting on some music in an attempt to cover up my sex noises from my housemate. Eventually the banging of the bed got so loud it didn’t make a difference. But thankfully my roommate is very much “you do you” and supportive of my sleeping around so she won’t hate me. And she felt my pain when I told her it had been two months, so I think she’ll let it slide. She assured me before he came over that she would continue to watch Sabrina the Teenage Witch very loudly in her room.

So the sex. Hmm…he said he had a shower before he left but I still wasn’t digging his pheromones when I went down on him. But he said he enjoyed the blow job so good for him (he definitely did not return the favour though). We burned through a lot of my usual moves pretty quickly – looking back I think it’s because I wanted to get it over with because my vagina has been super sore for the last few days so having anything in there did not feel great. Four positions later and he said he was ready to come/cum (haven’t decided which spelling to settle with yet). My sore vagina was ready to stop at this point so I just told him to finish. But he was so quiet when he did I was taken aback. Obviously a man can have an orgasm in whatever manner he wants, but I personally like it when a man gives a subtle vocal signal he’s into it.

Anyway, I go to the loo for a bit, worry I’m gonna get a UTI because I’m so dehydrated I can barely pee, but when I get back to my room he’s fully dressed and telling me his Uber is here. He insisted he didn’t realise how long it would take but it still felt a little harsh. I did ask him in advance to not stay over but it was a little ego-bruising that he order an Uber right after we finished! He literally came and went.

I actually apologised for not being on top form. Which is a little silly because I don’t know him or owe him anything. But I was genuinely a little disappointed in myself because I’m usually down for a good sesh when I have sex, but I guess I was just too tired and in pain. When he went to kiss me goodbye on the lips, I realised I didn’t want him to do that – looking back, I think it’s because there’s an intimacy associated with kissing someone outside of foreplay, and I just wasn’t feeling that intimacy with this man. Not surprising considering I’d spent probably 1 hour max with this man whose name I didn’t know.

Let’s dissect what happened and see if I can figure out what I’m actually feeling, because I’m not entirely sure myself:

1. I’m annoyed at myself because the sex was actually physically hurting me, even though it was fault of neither one of us. He was listening to what I asked him to do and picked up on signals so that did help. But I just wanted the breaking of my dry spell to be a little bit more spectacular.
2. I’ve literally just had sex for the sake of having sex, but I don’t feel bad about that. It’s nice getting naked with someone and having that brief connection. It’s not for everyone but I like it – maybe it’s because I find it easy to connect with new people in general. But I have a feeling that people are going to judge me for it regardless.
3. I’m also annoyed he ordered the Uber while I was in the loo!! To be fair on him, it was late on a Monday night and I was not giving any “go all night” vibes, but it was still insulting. Glad we didn’t exchange names though because it keeps me detached from the situation which is what I wanted.

On the whole, I don’t think I regret it. Just wish the experience was better for me and it wasn’t this man’s fault for how it went. He was interesting enough to keep me entertained on a Monday night. Anyway, I’m going to hopefully pee loads now because I drank a few glasses of water so fingers crossed there’s no UTI tomorrow.

****UPDATE****

So the night after I got back on the app and he matched me again. He started with “back for round 2?” I told him I’m sorry he felt the need to get an Uber and rush out of there so quickly last night. He said it was because of work and he did feel bad about leaving. He also asked what I would do differently and I told him I would have definitely have bought out my vibrator. He said he thought I was having a good enough time without it. (I was having an okay time without it.) Moral of the story: you never really know what’s going on in someone else’s head so don’t drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out because you’ll probably be wrong anyway!