Over the last few weeks I’ve learnt an important lesson about self-care. I thought I had stopped writing because I was just too busy living my best life – but really, I was running on fumes trying to fulfil all these social commitments without taking a single hour out to check in on myself. And that brings me on to today’s post about the need for some self-love and self-care.

1. Take some time to rest by yourself.

I feel an intense amount of guilt if I’m not using every free evening to see a friend I’ve not seen for a while. But I’ve recently discovered that cramming every single moment of your calendar with commitments is a bad idea. Even something as simple as “come over, we’ll just cook dinner and smoke a joint” can mean you’re not in bed until midnight after you’ve already had a long week at work. And although it is nice to have those chilled nights in with your besties, it will take its toll on you physically. Eventually you will burn out and be useless and not that much fun in social situations any more.

So the first thing I’ve learnt is to take some time to rest alone. I’ve discovered the joy of getting into bed early and just falling asleep to a podcast, and I recommend everyone tries something similar. Being alone is really the only way you can guarantee you actually will get some time to recover. Then you can be fresh and ready for the next exciting thing you’ve got planned!

2. Your friends will not hate you for missing things.

Unless you’re a serial flake, I’ve learnt that your true friends will not get upset or angry at you if you are honest with them and tell them you need to take a mental health day.

I was meant to go to a birthday weekend outside of London. I made it as far as the underground platform at Paddington, but couldn’t bring myself to go up the stairs and catch my train. So I got back on the tube and went home with my bags. It was a bizarre sensation, but I think my body was trying to tell me I needed was some me-time, instead of be-on-top-form-life-of-the-party-drink-loads-time. I rang my friend to apologise for bailing last minute and explained to her how I was feeling. She completely understood, and now I realise it was silly to think she wouldn’t have.

If you were meant to go to a party but came down with a flu, you’d bail because you’re physically not up for it. Your friends would not hate you for that.* It’s the same when you’re mentally not up to the challenge of socialising because you’ve had a long week at work, or you have a deadline you’d rather complete to feel better in the long run. Take the day off and do what you need to do, even if you’re worried about when you’ll see your friends next. They’ll always be there at the other end of a facetime call, so don’t worry.

DISCLAIMER: Bailing is fine for the occasional party/night out, but if you find yourself unable to get on with all aspects of your normal life because of social anxiety, please speak to your GP!! There might be something more going on that you should get checked out just in case.

3. Take time to get your shit in order.

It was actually the new season of Queer Eye that helped me see it (classic). It is so important to take an evening a week, or even two, to just get your shit in order and make sure you are your best self. Paint your nails. Use that face mask that’s been lying around in your bathroom for a while. Do you fucking laundry already so that cute top you want to wear next week is actually ready for you.

This also extends to just running normal errands. In researching this, I found out about “Millennial Burnout” where apparently people our age can’t find time to get our life-admin done. Again, a day a week dedicated to this might help you feel like you’ve got your shit in order. Pick up that missed delivery from the post office. Buy that replacement bulb for the light in your bathroom. FINALLY return that goddamn ASOS dress you didn’t like. Hopefully you’ll feel the same sense of accomplishment that I do when I successfully manage to “adult”.

3. Ru is right – if you don’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else?

And this is the most important lesson. My dating life has been almost non-existent and I’ve been sleeping a guy for almost 4 months but feeling SUPER insecure about it, without even realising. There have been times when I’ve not been able to look at my situation about boys objectively because I’m just coming up with stupid shit in my head like “he doesn’t like me because I’m too fat” or “maybe he thinks I’m shallow”. None of these things are true about me, I’m amazing!

When you forget to take care of yourself and pay attention to your own needs, you forget how wonderful you are and how deserving you are of love (super fucking cheesy I know). But self-neglect really does cause you to internalise blame when things don’t work out the way you want them to in your dating life. In reality, the situation is just that humans are complicated and everyone has their own shit going on. Sometimes you meet the right people at the right time, and sometimes you don’t. That’s just dating and that’s just life, and boys really shouldn’t make you feel like shit, but it’s so easy to forget this when you’re in a horrible headspace.

So remember to show yourself some love, because you really are the most important thing in your life.

*If they do hate you for it, find new friends.