I got knocked up because I fucked an idiot. Here’s what happened to me, along with my tips for what you could do if you need an abortion, and my rant about what a patronising prick my gynaecologist was.

Pregnancy is SHIT.

I have a new found appreciation for all the women of the world who chose to allow a parasite human to grow inside their uterus. I was preggers (from conception) for only 4-5 weeks and it was already the worst. I bloated so much one day that I couldn’t fit into jeans two sizes bigger but woke up the next day back to normal. I was not functional at work because I felt nauseas all the fucking time. I didn’t get to actual vomiting stage, but I’m sure it would have started soon. I lost my appetite for food and just felt so lethargic.

But everyone’s pregnancy is different. In addition, perhaps other people won’t/don’t mind these side effects as much if they actually want to have a baby. Regardless, I honestly am in awe of the uterus owners around the globe who put their body through that, honestly we need to increase rights for these women in the workplace and genuinely applaud them for wanting to continue the human race. I however will not be taking that bullet for society and feel no regrets about it.

Don’t waste money on fancy pregnancy tests

And you definitely don’t need more than one. Just wait until a week and a half after you expected your period to start and get the cheap multipack own-brand ones from a supermarket. I took one, it was positive.

I guess I didn’t want to believe it though, because I ran into Sanios with my housemate to get another box of tests while chugging down water on the way. The second and third test also came up positive. It more likely to wrongly tell you you’re not pregnant, but unlikely to be wrong if you are pregnant, so just believe the first one, save your dolla and time.

Saying that, a friend of mine who also had an abortion said she also took three tests when she found out. So perhaps just deal with your shock in whatever way you want, uterus-owners, nothing you do in this situation is wrong because it’s so personal to you.

Here’s what to do if you need an abortion

If you have a GP, call them and ask them to refer you. Or if your GP surgery is shit like mine, then go to the NHS page on it and call any of the numbers and people will be very helpful on phone.

Insist on asking them to check if they offer services in your postcode first, before wasting time giving all your personal details. The first number I called asked for all my personal info only to then tell me they didn’t provide services in my area once they asked for my address. But they did give me the number that I should call. Save yourself the time and ask first to check it’s the right service.

Going to the clinic

Everyone’s abortion experience is different and you should always do your own research before deciding what procedure you have. Obviously, you should also consider your doctors advice, but knowledge is power. There’s a surgical procedure to deal with later pregnancies, but I went for the “abortion pill” because I wasn’t that far along.

You go in for a consultation first, which I was told could last up to three hours. A nurse took my history first and asked you to describe in your own words why you want an abortion. Then you have an ultrasound, mine was a probe stuck in my vagina, but if you’re further along, they might do it like they do on TV. Then you have to go give some blood so they can do tests on your blood type and check if you have any STIs (which was useful actually because it’s a longting to just get a STI check at my local sexual health clinic).

Then I had to book ANOTHER appointment for a few days later, even though they’d already taken up about two hours by now (that included wait time, to be fair). The second appointment is to orally take a pill with a nurse that talks you through what to do over the next few days.

The actual abortion

The last stage is that you’re sent home with 4 tiny pills that you’re meant to stick into your vagina 24 hours after the first pill, and within a few hours you’ll start bleeding out your pregnancy. It’s expected that you’ll get cramps for this stage, and I was told I would need codine. But I hardly ever get cramps on my normal period, so I didn’t feel much pain during the process.

The part where you’re expelling your uterine lining is weird though. It’s a bit like when you have to wear a pad on your heavy day and you sneeze and you can feel the blood coming out of you, only maybe 10 times more. When you get up, you can also feel blood coming out. Just go sit on a toilet every now and again. At one point, I did see, what my doctor friend referred to as, “product”. I was expecting that, and was hoping it would have fallen in the toilet to flush away without me seeing it, but it came out into my pad before I made it into the bathroom. I’m sure every woman will have their own response to this.

How to prep for abortion day

You are one hundred percent going to want a friend with you on the day. For emotional and physical support. Someone who can help you in small ways and big ways and emotional ways. I was so nauseas from my pregnancy that my friend actually did all my washing up that had been piling up. She went and got me some meds from the pharmacy, filled up my hot water bottle, let me speak to her about how I was feeling, and watched shitty Netflix movies on the sofa with me all day. Find a friend who can take the day off and spend it with you.

In terms of practical things, get sanitary towels that are extra big for night time and make sure your bathroom bin is empty so it can handle all the pad changes you’ll want to do. Hot water bottle, anti-histamines, codine (if you can get it from the hospital/gp/doctor/clinic) or something over the counter with codine in it. Loose clothes. Your most trash trackies are the best. Book the next day off work or call in sick. Just be kind to yourself and take it easy. You are literally forcing your body to destroy the lining of its uterus, so it’s okay to be useless and unable to do things for one day.

The worst part of the whole thing

I had no moral qualms whatsoever about seeking an abortion. I had thought about abortions theoretically for several years before now, so I was sure of my decision. The worst part of it for me was the message from several places that I should be feeling upset about having an abortion. I felt like there was something wrong with me for getting pregnant in the first place, and then for not being sad for getting an abortion.

But I’m a real fucking person. I have a life and ambitions and hopes and none of them include having a baby in my twenties. Why the fuck should I be sad that an inanimate collection of semi-specialised cells embedded in my uterus will be removed from my body? It’s not a person. I’m a person, I’m the one that matters here and I will not apologise for acting in my best interests.

And that fucking doctor at the clinic

He stuck a probe into my vagina for the ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy and make sure all was fine in there for a medical abortion. I have a fascination with my own body and how it works, and I find in infinitely interesting how everything just ticks away in there to keep you alive. So with that curiosity in mind, I asked the doctor if I could see the scan. He hesitates and tells me, “we don’t usually show you the scan, women find it really upsetting” to which I cooly replied, “I literally don’t care.” He reluctantly turns the screen around and he shows me where the “sac” was. I asked him what this sac was made up of and what the scale on the monitor was for a sense of size. He didn’t really give me a satisfactory answer and snapped at me at it was just “the sac”.

And then I see he’s got a printed ultrasound scan. I ask if I can have a copy but he wouldn’t let me. “We only let you keep the photo if it’s a normal prenatal scan”. At this point, regardless of whether or not you think I’m fucked up for wanting to keep it, it’s still MY MEDICAL RESULTS of MY BODY where a probe was stuck in MY VAGINA. (I’m sure there’s some GDPR shit on my side here.) I have the right to keeping the goddamn ultrasound scan. I’m allowed to be interested and in awe of my body’s ability to create life, even if I don’t want to carry that life to full term.

I asked a few questions: why do I have to book yet another appointment to take the first abortion pill when I was already here? Where does all this paperwork you’re filling out go? He seemed so irritated at me, like I was just asking stupid questions. He told me about the second part of the medical abortion which is to take the four pills, but said the exact words: “I prefer to place them in the mouth and wait for them to dissolve because it’s better.” I can’t be sure, but I have a strong feeling he didn’t have a uterus or had an abortion before so it was a bit strange that he was giving me advice phrased like that.

The bleeding

I’ve been bleeding for two months straight from a combination of the abortion, having a coil put in, and having an actual period which lasted about 13 days. So. Much. Bleeding. They advise you not to use a mooncup or tampons after abortions and after coil fittings to reduce risk of infection, which meant I had to buy new pants because the sticky pads kept destroying my knickers! But bleeding has stopped today and I hope this saga is over.

If you’re one of those people who feels bad about single use plastics and waste like I do, then get over it. You’ll have to use lots of disposable sanitary products during this time (unless you have period pants) and that’s okay, it’s about your dignity and that’s the most important part of this whole thing.

I’m also the kind of person who beats herself up about not spending every waking second working, or socialising, or personal development. The bleeding definitely got in the way all of that. I had to learn to get over it and stop thinking of myself as a lazy person. If this happens to you, remember that an abortion is a big ordeal for your body to go through so it’s okay to slow down and stop while you recover.

Here’s what I wish people knew…

1. To everyone: Let women talk about their abortions and normalise them. Don’t pity women. In fact, almost all women do not regret their decision. Ask how they feel about their abortion first before chiming in, it might surprise you.
2. To healthcare workers: Sort your shit out. Almost everyone except that irritable male doctor was professional and really helpful. But to male doctors – and I do feel like this is a problem that male doctors are more likely to have – shut the fuck up about your opinions on my abortion and just do your job. And yes, saying “neutral” statements in a particular tone of voice is the same as expressing an opinion.
3. To men who knock up their hinge dates: If your hinge date tells you they’re pregnant and tells you about the abortion date and puts absolutely no expectation on you to show up for anything, just fucking ask how it went and how they’re feeling even if you’re not interested in seeing them. You came inside them, pollinated them and then they had to have an abortion. The least you can do is check in and actually give a shit about the consequences of your stupid behaviour.
4. To my friends: Thank you for all your support and non-judgement, I’m glad to have you in my life. I hope anyone reading this has friends like you in their lives.

Happy abortion everybody! x