It’s been a difficult few weeks with some difficult conversations. Speaking up about racism is the right thing to do, and Black lives matter. ALL Black lives matter, that will never be a debate. But sadly, talking about racism can be really triggering for Black people and other people of colour and it brings up some horrible memories.

I’ve been really frank and honest with my friends and so far and, despite it being emotionally difficult, it has actually lead to better understanding between us. I know that I don’t have to expend the emotional labour to make people understand racism, but I’m ready to share these stories, so people understand how damaging and upsetting racism has been for me.

Let me take you on a trip down shitty-memory lane to reveal some of the sex-related racism I’ve experienced.
CW: Racism and microaggressions

The guy in Bristol who told me I should be grateful that he fingered me because he had to “touch my Indian germs”

I hadn’t even told this guy I was Indian, he just assumed. This guy also repeatedly tried to shove his penis into a drunken me after I told him we were not doing that because we didn’t have condoms. Then he aggressively accused me of stealing his weed (his joint had just fallen off his ear and under the pillow). He made that above comment in response to me saying he didn’t make me cum, after he insisted that he had. I guess you could just write him off as a general dickhead, but he was also a racist too.

I couldn’t tell anyone that story until two years later because it filled me with such shame and self-loathing. But fuck that guy, he’s an utter cunt and I’m fabulous.

Then my white male friend at the pub legit told me in response “what did you expect having met up with him from Tinder?”

I shouted at him and told him that’s not an excuse to be a racist and he saw my point and I think he apologised but doesn’t matter as we’re still friends now.

The man who said it was cool to fuck me because he’s “only slept with white girls before”.

Wrote a whole fucking post about this one already. Honestly, it’s terrifying dating white boys because you never really know if they’re going to be a racist dickhead before you bang.

The guy who I flirted with at a party telling me he was really into middle-Eastern and dark skinned girls

I was so smooth and just went up to this guy, started a conversation and managed to exchange numbers, all within the space of 5 minutes. THIS FUCKING GUY asked me what my type is – I’m taken aback because surely he knows it’s him since I’ve asked for his number? So I say, “I dunno, you?” but it’s cute and flirty. He responds, “oh that’s good” and then responded with the above.

1. I’m not middle eastern you dumb fuck but good to know us “ethnic girls” all look the same to you.
2. Don’t even come at me with “he was just trying to compliment you” – He could have referred to a whole host of other features about me which had nothing to do with my skin tone, e.g. my fabulous hair, amazing shoes and my sexy top. But no, because he was being a racist bitch.

EVERY MAN who came on to me in a European bar when I was interrailing calling me “exotic”

I swear to GOD don’t try to tell me “they’re just not used to seeing diversity”. REPEAT AFTER ME, INTENTION IS NOT THE SAME THING AS IMPACT. Normalisation of these comments and behaviours allow racism to persist in our society.

Here’s a handy triangle to demonstrate (FYI we’re not too far off the top of this pyramid):

The guy on the phone sex line last week asking me if I was “Black or white” when we were discussing the protests.

He tried to argue, “I agree it’s bad and it’s a problem but if you look at the numbers of white people killed by police compared to the number of black people killed by police, it’s not that many.” I responded with, “UUUURRMMM I don’t think that’s how it works,” and then he asks me what race I am. Not surprised he only gave me a binary option. Well, since I don’t owe him a maths lesson about proportionality or any more of my time, I got out of there and will never go on a phone sex hotline again. Lesson learnt.

I’ll detail the full phone sex story in a later post, but for now I just wanted to highlight the few times in my life when people WHO ACTUALLY TRIED TO FUCK ME were racist. These are just my stories, trust me, there’s worse out there (Ser–i–ous–ly).

These experiences have made me feel shit and angry. I have a healthy sense of self-esteem that I’ve worked on for years, but when men reduce you to their race, you feel fetishised and reduced to less than human – did they even like me or see me, or was I just a conquest so they can say “I fucked an Indian chick so I can’t be racist”? It chips away at me slowly, and I’m already trying to overcome the self-hatred I had as a child where I just wished I was white because even as a child, I figured out what society was trying to tell me about my worth. But I refuse to deal with that anymore. The discussion is finally out in the open and I accept nothing short of a full commitment to take down the patriarchy and be fully anti-racist. And if that means some men will be uncomfortable around me… GOOD.

My love and support to all people who have to go through shit like this. Remember that you are beautiful inside and outside and worthy of love and kindness from yourself and others.

BGD x