This is an old date story, but I think the lessons learnt here are still relevant. Back when I used to date and use apps, I would ask a filter question before meeting up with anyone I.R.L. to gauge their political beliefs and check if we’re on the same wavelength. This guy was maybe two years younger than me, but he seemed cute. I had asked about taking down the Churchill statue and he made many thoughtful points so I was quite keen to go out with him.

Bad first impressions

Firstly, he was late to the date. Not crazy late, but like 10 mins which pissed me off as no one has EVER been late on a date with me before. In fact, I’m usually right on time but the guy is there early, or I give plenty of notice if I know I’ll be delayed. Perhaps I’m being petty, but this was strike one.

When he arrived he had such a lack of presence. He feebly said “hi” to me when he arrived and then seemed taken aback when I got up to greet him. I think he was just really shy. There’s nothing wrong with shyness as a character trait and I know I’ve occasionally come across as shy the past. My problem is that I associate shyness on a first date with a lack of confidence, which makes my vag dry up.

Perhaps I didn’t give him enough of a chance

I’ve dated enough to know I should trust my instincts, so when my date made his entrance, I immediately texted a guy I was sleeping with and asked him if I could come over, because I knew this date would be a dud. I lied to his guy and told him I was entering my details for track-and-trace on my phone. You can totally judge me if you want, but I shaved parts of my body that I usually can’t be bothered to shave, so I was determined to get some D that night.

He didn’t help himself

I don’t feel bad for making such a snap judgement though because everything he proceeded to do turned me off. Strike 2 was when I suggested getting drinks, as we went up to the bar, he positioned himself really far away from the person who was serving us. It was awkward because it looked like he wanted me to order and pay and then place his own order after. Obviously I’m too old to be doing that uni shit, so I asked him what he wanted. Then he made NO MOVES toward the till when it was time to pay, so I paid for the both of us. The whole interaction made me feel like his mum.

I don’t expect men to pay for drinks or take the lead, but I know I can pay for my own drink and make decisions on where to go out, so would like to know that the person I’m dating can as well. But he was cementing my impression of him being a wet wipe.

The chat was boring too

His political views were well informed and I agreed with them. He was genuinely a nice person who didn’t talk over me and tried to ask questions, but he was still SO BORING. The only interesting thing about our chat was when he recommended the Citations Needed podcast, which I am now obsessed with. But I really felt like I was carrying the conversation and I was trying to tease things out of him, but he had no interesting stories to tell. He was also self-deprecating and would call his own stories boring after telling them.

Please, if you’re on a date, never highlight the traits you are insecure about. Either you end up tainting someone’s impression of you if they hadn’t noticed it before, or you’re just confirming their reasons for not liking you.

Of course he had a great time on the date, I was there

After we finished our first round of drinks, he asked if I wanted another one but I used my chance at an exit and told him I was tired and wanted to head home. (I’d actually ordered an Uber to take me to my booty call’s place where we later had outdoor sex on his trampoline which was super fun.)

I gave him a hug when we parted ways and gave him the classic rejection line, “well, it was nice to meet you! Take care.”

Poor lad, he was about to walk off but decided to ask me, “so do you want to do this again, or…” trailing off.

To which I replied, “I had a nice time but didn’t really feel a spark between us, but good luck with Hinge, hope you find what you’re looking for!”

And he said, “okay, thanks you too” and left.

I was surprised he had to ask because I thought “it nice to meet you” clearly meant “it was nice to meet you, past tense, because we will not be meeting again.” Also, were we on the same date?! But then again, of course he had a great time because I’m fun to be around in most social interactions and I was nice to him.

Despite not fancying him at all once we met, I still politely gave him 45 minutes of my time and we finished our round of drinks (which I bought him). When I later told my friends that I left so quickly, they were really shocked and told me they had a 2-drink minimum rule for a date. However, I am not in the business of making men feel interesting, I want be around someone actually interesting.

He just couldn’t leave it and had to asked for some feedback

I got this text from him not long after the date ended:

SO ICKY. “Sorry not to be weird.” THEN DON’T SEND THIS MESSAGE. “Just kind of wanted to know…” You obviously really want to know. “It’s cool but…” You don’t think it’s cool otherwise you wouldn’t be messaging. “Like v abrupt.” Just say the word very. “I was a bit surprised.” You were shaken to the core.

Why you shouldn’t ask for feedback

Firstly, I made it very clear that I didn’t feel a romantic connection when he asked me at the end of the date. I don’t understand why he needed me to tell him more. I’m also completely within my rights to leave after one drink if I want. I don’t owe anyone my time, especially not a man from the internet.

Secondly, you really don’t want my honest feedback. I am a stranger to you and I’m under no illusion that my opinion is important to your life. I don’t want to tell you my real thoughts because I don’t want to upset you and also I’m aware that it’s just my opinion – there’s a girl out there for you who would feel differently to me on that date, I just wasn’t into it.

What did he want from me? To tell him I thought he was boring and his lack of confidence was off-putting? That I had a guarantee of good sex waiting for me that night? Or was he expecting me to give him some story about how it was my fault I left and maybe I wasn’t ready to date anyone? It’s giving me Curtis and Amy from Love Island vibes.

Finally, I am not a dating consultant. If you want me to coach you on how to be better at dating, then pay me. I’m not giving you my advice for free bro. I’m not wasting my time teaching you how to be better for the next woman.

So I sent this back:

What do you think? Has anyone asked you for feedback and did you give it? Or have you ever asked someone else for feedback on you?

BGD x